Ballarat woman tells painful story of abuse

But Jane's dreams quickly turned into nightmares when she discovered her partner was living a double life, details of which cannot be published.
"I went into shock ... I felt like my insides had been ripped out," Jane said.

She asked her GP for help after developing anxiety and depression on hearing that the man she loved had been manipulating her and living a lie for almost a decade. But little did she know the worst was yet to come.

A month after discovering her partner's double life, he began physically abusing her. The first incident of violence is a memory forever etched on Jane's brain.

"The (attack) got to the point where I could no longer feel physical pain, but I could definitely see the rage in his face. It was so beyond intolerable.

"I can't understand why he turned, because he had always said he despised men who laid a hand on women ... he said it sickened him. It left me wondering how (our relationship) could get to this."
For the next eight months, Jane and her partner lived under the same roof, but slept in separate bedrooms and lived separate lives. But one thing that did not change for Jane was the abuse.

For the next eight months, Jane suffered regular beatings that left her black and blue. Her knees were smashed after he threw her to the ground, he tried to strangle her and he placed his huge hands across the bridge of her nose to stop her from screaming. This left her with permanent cartilage damage to her nose. She also requires regular physiotherapy to her shoulder and arm because of the attacks.

He would beat her so often that if Jane walked past a mirror she no longer saw the bruises that he left on her body.

He also stripped Jane of any confidence she had in herself. "He stripped me of who I was. He hurt me so much that I forgot what I liked about myself. I lost my confidence, my happiness and my friends.

"The abuse lasted eight months, but it felt like 10 years. It was so intense, that I lost all sense of self in such a short time. I really can't image someone going through what I went through for decades."

Asked why she didn't seek help as soon as the abuse started, Jane said the shame of it stopped her at first. "Being ashamed goes hand-in-hand with abuse.

"I always thought to myself (during the eight months of abuse) that I would ring the police if it got to the point where he put me in hospital. I was prepared to get myself to the point and level of abuse where I ended up in hospital."
It took eight months of abuse before Jane plucked up the courage to dial triple zero. She was beyond desperate.
"He had physically assaulted me, emotionally abused me and was now threatening to take it to a whole new level. I knew I had to ring the police ... I had to make that phone call," she said.

The quality of the police response in recognising that a woman has been fearful and traumatised was crucial in how a woman dealt with her situation, Jane said. So, too, is having support from family and friends.

While she did receive support from her small group of close friends in Ballarat, Jane did not find support from her family. After telling her family of the abuse, one of Jane's sisters told her she was never to speak of it again, while another asked her why she didn't seek marriage counselling to "fix" the problem.
"I was on my own. I didn't need to feel ashamed myself, my family did that enough for me," Jane said.

The support she was desperately seeking eventually came from her doctor, who handed her a brochure for WRISC Family Violence Support in Ballarat. It was the start of Jane's journey in seeking help.
"If you don't know who to ring or where to go for help, going to a GP will give you a starting point," Jane said.
"I didn't realise there was so much help out there. And the people who are offering that help, like those at WRISC, at Berry Street, CAFS and the Salvation Army, are no ordinary people. They go above and beyond... I was just blown away. They give women like me the respect and compassion they deserve.

Jane said her family made her feel ashamed of the situation she had endured and her mother still thought of her ex-partner as "a saint".

"My family wasn't there to help me through the most emotionally crippling time of my life. I was abandoned by my family and it was a small group of friends and a group of strangers who were there for me. Without these services to help me, I don't know where I would be."

Jane is now on her way to rebuilding the self-confidence that her ex-partner so cruelly took from her,  and she has regained strength she thought was lost forever.

"When I was in the thick of (the abuse), I didn't see myself as powerful, but people who suffer what I went through are actually a lot more powerful than their abuser," Jane said.

"(Abusers) have their fists and their toxic tongues, but you have the power at the end of your fingertips. Just pick up that phone and make that call to the police.

"(The abuse) is much harder than actually leaving. To survive that and find the strength within yourself to leave is amazing. You are actually the strongest person you know.

"While I was in the abusive relationship, I was miserable, unhappy and I was broken, inside and out. You forget who you are, there is no joy in your life... you are a shell of what you once were.

"To be happy is not a privilege, it's a right. If you are in a relationship, the person you are with should bring something wonderful into your life, not take something away."

Jane agreed to tell her story to The Courier in the hope she could help other women in the community living in an abusive situation. 

The Courier last weekend launched the It's Up to Us campaign, endorsed by the White Ribbon Foundation and local and national welfare organisations.

Join us on this journey. Tell us your story and sign the oath by clicking on the link at thecourier.com.au
It's up to us to make a difference.

Anyone like Jane who needs help can phone the after-hours crisis support line on 1800 015 188 or WRISC on 5333 3666.

*Jane is not her real name.